Christmas Decoration Citation


Ah the sheer joy the holidays bring to us. For some, it’s the delicious cooking. Others seek happiness in their family. Personally, I take an evil glee in tormenting people who take themselves too seriously. Here is a perfect example of that. The HOA people are in my neighborhood are big on compliance and short on humor. In this letter to me, they complain about my “Christmas” decorations being up too long.

This is my little revenge.

Mean HOA Letter to Rachel

 

What follows is a series of email communications between me and Nancy M., the administrator for our neighborhood.

From: Rachel
Date: January 6, 2012
To: Nancy Mayhew
Subject: Christmas Decorations

Dear Nancy,

Thank you for the surprise letter telling me about my decorations. I’m a little confused though because I’m Buddhist and don’t decorate for Christmas. I think the Christmas stuff is supposed to be for another guy with a beard or something. My guy is bald with a big fat round naked belly. Maybe you were looking at my neighbor’s house. They’re always gone on Sunday mornings and when they come back the spend the rest of the day bickering on their back porch. Enclosed you will find a picture I drew of the 2 guys so you can tell who is who in the future.Thank you for giving me such advance notice too. It’s always good to have 364 days notice.

🙂

Regards, Rachel

Picture I attached to my email to Nancy

 

From: Nancy Mayhew
Date: January 6, 2012
To: Rachel
Subject: Not Christmas Decorations

Rachel,

Thank you for your email. You didn’t need to draw me a picture of Jesus and Buddha for me to know who each of them is. Anyone who is neither Christian nor Buddhist is quite able to make the distinction.  When I said Christmas decorations, I actually meant holiday decorations. Our bylaws are nonspecific in this regard. Furthermore, I am positive it was your house because you still have 6 unmatching potted plants on your doorstep that I previously sent you a letter about. And I am not sure what you are referring to when you say I’m giving you a 364 days advance notice. I recommend you attend to your holiday decoration removal at once.

Sincerely,
Nancy Mayhew

 

From: Rachel
Date: January 7, 2012
To: Nancy Mayhew
Subject: Holiday decorations for non-believers

Hello Nancy,

Well you really threw me for a loop with your email. It’s cool if you’re a non-believer, and I hope I didn’t offend you with my previous drawing. I added some to it to reflect your ideas also so you wouldn’t feel left out.

Your 364 (now 363) day notice was put in force on January 5, 2011 as indicated on my hard copy delivered via mail. Let me know if you need a copy of it and I will send you a scan of it. That will give me pleeeeeenty of time to take care of doodads and tchotchkis decorating the home exterior. Don’t worry, I plan to have it all done by the deadline.

Well I guess you must’ve had the correct house after all because I do have some plants on the porch. It never made much sense to me that you will only let me have 5 plants and only if they are in matching pots. None of my neighbors has as many as me but they don’t have matching pots so I don’t see how you can tell me I can’t have mine since the other neighbors are so flagrantly flaunting your rules. You were supposed to get back with me on that but I never heard from you again so I figured you didn’t care any more.

Cheers, Rachel

Revised picture I sent to Nancy

From: Nancy Mayhew
Date: January 7, 2012
To: Rachel
Subject: Rule Compliance

Dear Rachel,

This is a serious matter that you are not taking seriously. It is very important that you adhere to the same bylaws in your neighborhood as everyone else. Take your decorations down immediately, not 3 days from now, not 3 months from now and especially not 363 days from now. Is that understood? You know perfectly well that I simply misdated the year by accident because we had just changed to the new year. If you do not comply we will be forced to issue a citation.

Regarding your plants out front, we will address that issue separately once we have resolved your holiday removal project.

Please stop sending me pictures as you have no idea what I’m talking about. In fact, I am a believer, just completely opposite of you. I find your drawings offensive.

Nancy Mayhew

 

From: Rachel
Date: January 8, 2012
To: Nancy Mayhew
Subject: Naughty Nancy

Dear Nancy,

Did you ever see Cool Hand Luke? George Kennedy has a great line in it, “when it comes to the law, nothing is understood.”? I’m not sure what I understand since I know you have give me 60 days notice before you can issue a homeowner citation so now the math for the due date is all messed up, and I’ve never been very good at math. Also, does this come out of my 364 notice? Lemme know back.

Aha! Sorry to have offended you with my drawing. It confounded me for some time what you meant by opposite but I finally figured it out (you naughty, naughty girl) and I took one more stab at the picture for you.

Get back to me on those plants.

-R

Revised revised revised picture sent to Nancy

I still haven’t heard back from her.

Advertisements